How to Prevent Conflict and Encourage Cooperation with Strong Willed Toddlers and Kids
Top 10 Parenting Tips to Deescalate Conflict and Foster Peaceful Cooperation
Parenting strong-willed toddlers, preschoolers and school-age children can feel like a constant battle. With so many different approaches and techniques, it can be overwhelming to remember to use specific strategies in the moment, and to know which ones will truly make a positive impact on your child's growth and development. Drawing inspiration from the renowned parenting and educator books, "How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen" and "How to Teach Like a Champion," here are 10 practical tips to enhance your parenting skills and create effective communication and teaching moments with your little ones.
1. Acknowledge and Validate Their Feelings
Give your child your undivided attention and listen attentively to what they have to say. Acknowledge their feelings and emotions, fostering an open and trusting relationship. If you can give your child 20 minutes of undivided attention before doing something you need their cooperation with (from laundry to housecleaning to a zoom call), they are more likely to feel their “bucket is filled” and give you the space you need. Then throughout the day, be sure to give them your undivided attention and eye contact when they speak to you. Put the phone down and look them in the eye when they speak. Give an engaged response to show you are truly listening. A little goes a long way.
Mirror, Validate and Empathize: When your child is upset or frustrated, it's important to mirror or repeat back what they say to show you are listening and understanding. Them validate and empathize with their emotions. By acknowledging their feelings, you create an environment where they feel heard and understood. For instance, saying, "I understand that you're sad because your toy broke" helps them process their emotions. We are quick to want to make things okay by saying, “It’s okay. It’s not a big deal. Don’t worry.” Imagine instead you are speaking to an adult friend who is confiding a life crisis and show the same empathy, “Wow. That is really frustrating, upsetting, difficult, disappointing etc. I would feel the same way. I wish I knew how to help. What can I do?”
One of the most crucial aspects of navigating conflict with strong-willed toddlers and preschoolers is recognizing and empathizing with their emotions. Instead of dismissing or brushing aside their feelings, take a moment to acknowledge and validate what they are experiencing. Let them know that you understand and that it's okay to feel frustrated or upset. Employ active listening techniques to show your child that you genuinely hear and understand their concerns. Get down to their eye level, maintain eye contact, and give them your undivided attention. Repeat what they've said to ensure you've grasped their thoughts correctly.
2. Practice Positive Reinforcement of Specific Behaviors
Praise your child's efforts and accomplishments to reinforce positive behavior. Celebrating even small victories can go a long way in boosting their confidence and motivating them to make better choices. A simple observation like, "Thank you for sharing your toys with your friend. That was very generous and kind of you,” can make a significant impact on their behavior. Instead of giving generic compliments like, “good job,” be specific: “You did a great job cleaning up your room. That was so helpful. Now we have more time to read together before bed!" Instead of praising character traits, “You are so smart!” describe what your child did well and why it was commendable. Focus on the effort and process rather than just the outcome to build their self-esteem and motivation. Instead of labelling the child as smart, helpful, etc. desrcibe the positive behavior. For example, change, “You are so smart!” to “That was hard puzzle. You thought you couldn’t do it at first but you didn’t give up and kept trying until you did it! When you work hard and don’t give up, you can do anything you set your mind to!” Why does this matter? When you praise a child by labelling them, they begin to identify with these labels and fear failure when they don’t live up to these labels. They may rely on compliments and success to feel good about themselves. Whenever you don’t compliment them or they don’t succeed, they may worry they are not good enough. When you label the behavior instead, they feel empowered to choose positive behaviors and feel good about their ability to choose positive actions in every moment instead of worrying whether or not they have some inherent ability. Need another example? Studies show that kids who are frequently labelled smart are more likely to give up when something doesn't come easily because they equate having to try or work hard to figure something out to being not smart so they avoid those situations. If you praise taking action, hard work, effort and other choices and behaviors instead of innate or inherited intelligence, children learn that their choices and proactive behaviors lead to success, not a predetermined level of ability. Hard work and effort equates to success, not coasting by on “smarts” and untrained talent.
3. Always Offer Two Choices Instead of Consequences
Empower your child by giving them appropriate choices whenever possible. This helps them develop decision-making skills while maintaining a sense of control.
Rather than resorting to traditional forms of punishment, offer your child choices to encourage cooperation and autonomy. For example, instead of saying, "You can't have dessert if you don't eat your vegetables," try saying, "Would you prefer broccoli or carrots with your dinner?"
Do not give a consequence disguised as a choice, give two genuine choices. You know it is to a sneaky consequence if you are equally happy with either choice your child would make. For example, don’t give this consequence disguised as a choice, “You can put on the party dress or you can stay home in your pajamas.” Instead, say, “Do you want to put your dress on in your room or in front of mommy’s mirror?” Another example, “Do you want to brush your teeth in your bathroom or the my bathroom?” Often offering the novelty of doing something slightly differently will encourage your child to cooperate. Instead of saying, “We can read three books before bed or you can keep jumping around and we’ll go to bed with no books” try, “Do you want daddy to read this book upside down or backwards?”
4. Set Clear Boundaries and Expectations and Consistently Enforce Them
Be consistent with expectations. Articulate expected behaviors and appropriate consequences. Then stay alert and organized to consistently uphold expectations 100% of the time. Children test boundaries so be clear and consistent to acknowledge appropriate andninappropriate behaviors. For example, every single time my child asked for something, I repeat it back with a “may I please” and “thank you.” Now I prompt, “ask politely” and my son knows to say, “may I please.” Consistency is key. Be sure to acknowledge positive behaviors as much as and more so than negative behaviors! Consider making a shout out board of positive behaviors and traits or simply starting a low-key dinner or bedtime routine where you list everything you loved about the day.
Clearly communicate your expectations and boundaries to your child. Be specific and use simple language to avoid confusion and minimize misbehavior. Strong-willed children thrive when they understand the rules and expectations. Establishing clear boundaries and consistently reinforcing them will help minimize conflicts. Make sure the boundaries are age-appropriate and explain them in simple terms. Avoid using too many negative statements, and instead, focus on positive reinforcements.
5. Use Positive Language
Never take anything personally ever and never make assumptions. Assume the best about your child and their intentions and feelings when you voice your reactions to their behavior. Frame your instructions or requests in a positive manner, focusing on what they can do to help them (and you) get what they want rather than threatening, telling them what you want them to avoid or saying, “No!”. This encourages cooperation and reinforces positive behavior. Don’t start with a consequence. Follow the least invasive approach to address off-task behavior: Pause; Make eye contact; Reassure with a smile, hand squeeze or shoulder tap; Give a consise, positive correction or reminder like, “calmly and politely…gentle and kind”; Then calmly and privately, on their level, tell your child to change a specific behavior or there will be a consequence; Then (and only then) give a consequence.
If this least invasive continuum seems impossible or there is an extreme behavior that needs to be addressed immediately, like one child intentionally hurting another then still use calm, objective language that labels the behavior instead of labelling or criticizing the child. For example, say, “I cannot let you hurt your brother. You can stop yourself or I can help stop you by separating you into two different rooms.”
Also remember to frame responsibilities, behavior expectations and chores positively. Replace the word "“have” with “get” when referring to your own choices and your child’s behaviors to foster a proactive positive outlook:
Replace “We have to clean the house” with “When we we clean up after ourselves, we get to have a clean house.”
Replace “I have to workout” with “When I workout everyday, I get to feel healthy and strong.”
Replace “I have to start eating healthier” with “When I eat healthy, I get to feel healthy and confident.”
Replace “I have to go to work ” with “I’m going to work now, so I get to have fun with you later and provide our family with everything we need.”
6. Share and Stick to Routines
Imagine that you had no control over your life and never knew what was going to happen next. The only certainty ws that you had no say in anything that happened. Sounds horrible, right?
This is why children thrive on routines as they provide predictability and a sense of security. Establishing consistent daily routines aids in building good habits and reduces resistance. Let them know ahead of time what will and will not happen and if nay major changes to the routine will change.
7. Put them In Charge Whenever Possible to Encourage Independence
When you put your child in charge in small situations that do not matter, it gives them a sense of independence and control so that when you need to be in charge in situations that do matter they are more willing to comply. On the other hand, if they feel they have no control of their life, and are following your commands all day, they will begin to resist at every opportunity. To combat this create opportunities for your child to be in control in small moments. For example, instead of saying, “clean up your toys,” you can say, "It's time to clean up. Would you like to start by picking up the toys or the clothes? Do you want to clean your bedroom or the living room first?" Here are some more examples:
Do you want to have chicken or hamburgers for dinner?
Do you want to turn the light switch on or for me to do it?
Do you want to wear the green or red shirt?
Do you want to brush your teeth or wash your hands first?
Should we call grandma or grandpa?
Allowing your child to take the lead on age-appropriate responsibilities fosters a sense of independence and empowerment. This enhances their self-confidence and develops valuable life skills.
8. Model Positive Behavior, Problem Solving and Self-Correction
No matter what happens, remember that you are the adult in charge. Never act overly frustrated, flustered, angry or upset. Show children through your unwavering calm that you will unconditionally support them, no matter how they test boundaries. If you do not know how to react to an outburst, simply pause and address them, “I need a minute to calm my breathing. We will discuss this later.”
Actively model and discuss problem-solving skills. Conflict resolution is a valuable life skill that can be cultivated from a young age. Encourage your child to think about potential solutions when faced with a problem. Brainstorm together and guide them towards finding appropriate resolutions. This process not only teaches them how to handle conflict but also promotes critical thinking.
Remember, your child is constantly observing and learning from you. Be a role model by exemplifying empathy, resilience, and effective communication skills. Your actions speak louder than words. Model self-correcting and problem solving in big and small moments. When you put their shirt on backwards, model saying, “Oops, we did it wrong the first time, let’s try it again.” When you lose your temper, say aloud, “I am sorry I got angry and yelled. I should not have done that and it is not your fault. I am working on taking deep breaths in and out until I feel calm. I am working on not yelling anymore and I also cannot let you hit your brother anymore. Let’s both practice taking deep breaths in and out to breathe out the anger and breathe in the calm. Do you think we can do it? Okay? I love you.”
Instead of criticism, offer constructive feedback to help your child learn from their mistakes. Encourage problem-solving and guide them to find their own solutions whenever possible. For example, “You worked really hard on your tower and now your brother ruined it. That is very frustrating. I understand why you want to yell and hit but that doesn't;t help bring your tower back. What can we do to make sure this doesn't;t happen again?”
You can brainstorm problem solving skills in playful ways as well, not only in moments of conflict. Engage your child in active learning experiences by asking open-ended questions and encouraging critical thinking: “If you were stuck in snowstorm what would you do to stay warm? If you were shipwrecked on a deserted island, what would you build a house out of?” This fosters their curiosity and stimulates intellectual growth.
9. Use as few words as possible
Keep your instructions concise and to the point, especially during moments of conflict. Shortening your sentences helps prevent overwhelming your child and ensures they understand your expectations clearly. Instead of saying, "Please put your toys away before bedtime, or else we'll have less time for stories," try simply saying, "Toys away, then stories." When they come home, don’t scold or criticize with, “you always track mid in the house and expect me to clean up after you.” Instead simply point and say, “shoes” when you walk in the door. The fewer words you use, the easier it is for young children, teens and even adults to absorb what you are saying and feel willing to cooperate with an objective statement instead of tuning you out or choosing to ignore or resist perceived negativity or criticism.
10. Incorporate Playfulness and Love
Introducing playfulness into your interactions can defuse tense situations and redirect negative behavior. For instance, during a power struggle over bedtime, you can turn it into a game by saying, "Let's see who can brush their teeth the fastest, you or me? Do you want to hop like a frog or run like a cheetah to the bathroom?” Depending on their level of anger, you can use humor in a way as long as it doesn’t come across as teasing. For example, sometimes I can spin my child around and hang them upside down saying, “We’ve got to shake all the crankies out. Uh oh there’s more crankies. Let’s shake them out.” Sometimes this gets giggles and diffuses a conflict, whereas other times I know we are past the point of diffusing with humor and this would only lead to more screams.
You can not spoil a child with love! Shower them with kisses. telmthem you love them every morning when they wake up and every night before bed and every moment in between. Don’t tell them you love them because they did something or acted a certain way just tell them you love them in quiet moments. Tell them you are so lucky to have them in your life and you love who they are just for being themselves. The more you fill them with love and affection, the more the good moments can outweigh the often hectic, turbulent moments of early childhood conflict resolution.
Bonus Tool: Read Aloud Emotional Regulation Picture Books
Remember that children behave when they can. This means that like walking, talking, swimming and shape sorting, emotional regulation is a skill that needs to be modeled, explicitly taught, practiced and mastered. We like to think that some children and adults have “anger problems” when in reality some individual have masted emotional regulation skills while others have not. Teaching self-regulation can seem difficult, but my line of emotional intelligence children’s books make emotional regulation skills simple and accessible to even the young guest children from two years old and up. Buy the ebooks for as little as $2 or preview them for free on my YouTube channel.
By incorporating these tips and books into your parenting approach, you can create a supportive environment that nurtures your child's emotional well-being, fosters independence, cooperation and self-regulation skills. As a parent and educator, I have read every book there is on behavior management and recomment "How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen" and "How to Teach Like a Champion," as the absolute best teaching and parenting books. The above tips summarize the most important strategies from these books and will help you with toddlers, preschoolers, school age children, teenagers and even adult interactions!