Positive Purpose of Negative Emotions
Did you know that negative emotions are signals to our brains, just like hunger or pain, that exist to warn us that our survival is at risk?
Why do emotions like fear, jealousy, anger, insecurity and sadness feel so powerful and so bad? These feelings are signals to our brains, like hunger or pain, that we want or need something. Remember that humans have evolved for survival. Therefore, negative emotions are meant to warn us that our survival is at risk. This is why they seem to overpower or cloud our logical, thinking brain and make us act unlike our usual selves. Unfortunately, emotions that helped ancient humans tend to hurt modern-day humans.
For example, if an ancient human was left out of a group, because they were viewed as different, that individual would die without the support of a community. The bad feelings of isolation, exclusion and loneliness used to encourage humans to want to be accepted by a group for survival. If we had no negative emotion urging us to “belong” to a group, then we would have wandered into the wilderness by ourselves and not survived. The negative emotions of isolation, exclusion and loneliness signaled humans to stay part of a group for survival. Today, those negative feelings no longer signal anything helpful. This is why today it feels so bad to sit at a lunch table alone or not be picked for a sports team. When we look at this experience objectively, we realize that there is no real reason to feel bad. We are safe whether we “belong” or don’t “belong.” We are safe and secure whether we are alone or in a group of people. Being by ourselves does not affect our identity or who we are as a person.
From now on, remember to look at your emotions objectively. Emotions feel real but they are not who you are. When negative emotions seem to take over your brain or your outlook on life, remember that your emotions are an experience not a reality about who you are. Think of your emotions like an itch. You don’t let an itch take over your rational mind and define who you are; You simply scratch it and go back to thinking about more important things. Next time you have a negative emotion, “scratch it;” Ask yourself why you feel badly and what you really want or need to feel well again.
When you feel isolated or excluded or lonely, what do you really want or need? You want safety, security or the belief that you will survive, called self-reliance. In modern society, these emotions equal self-respect and self-acceptance. Your ancient brain is telling you that you need other people’s acceptance or respect in order to feel safe and to accept and respect yourself. While this was true for cavemen, who needed food and shelter from their peers, this is not true for you. You can survive on your own. You can accept and respect yourself every moment of everyday, regardless of the people around you. If this seems impossible, put it in perspective. Imagine you travel to a foreign country where everyone dresses and looks different than yourself, and they all point and laugh at you because you look strange to them. Would you let this affect your own opinion of yourself? Of course not! You would probably laugh along with them with your self-respect unaffected. This is because no one has the power to negatively affect you, unless you let them. While your current “community” may feel very important, remember that you are not a caveman and you can grow up and join any “community” you choose. You can feel self-respect and self-acceptance whether you are part of a group or on your own. Every negative emotion has an underlying positive purpose. Next time you feel a negative emotion, think about what you really want or need.
You are not your emotions. Rather, an emotion is like hunger or pain that is signaling you that you need something. For example, instead of yelling or hitting in response to the signal of anger, we will learn to pay attention to what the signal is telling us and how to respond productively by addressing the need. After all, you would not stand still yelling in response to hunger or pain if you could simply eat or remove your hand from the fire. Emotions are movement – “e-motion” – They move on once we address them instead of suppressing them or expressing them with negative and unproductive behaviors.
When you Feel…Excluded and Lonely
What are Your Emotions Telling You?
I need self-acceptance, self-respect and safety: Your ancient brain is telling you that you need other people’s acceptance into the community to survive. View exclusion and loneliness as a reminder to accept and respect yourself, regardless of the people around you. If this seems impossible, put it in perspective. Imagine you travel to a foreign country where everyone dresses and looks different than yourself, and they all point and laugh at you because you look strange to them. Would you let this affect your own opinion of yourself? Of course not! You would probably laugh along with them with your self-respect unaffected.
How Can You Express these Feelings Productively?
Know you are safe in the modern world; Accept and respect yourself without letting others affect your identity; Keep perspective by reminding yourself that you can change your community now or as an adult.
When You Feel…Overwhelmed and Inadequate
What are Your Emotions Telling You?
I need resources (internal and external) to succeed: View overwhelming situations as a reminder that asking for help displays strength, not weakness. For example, when a government asks for help in the form of taxes or mandatory military service, this request for help displays power, not weakness. An executive at any business does not try to do everything themselves. They pay for the help they need. Is this a sign of weakness? Of course not! Every powerful person assertively asks for help every day in order to remain successful.
How Can You Express these Feelings Productively?
Trust your ability to succeed and ask for the resources (materials, knowledge, support and time) you need to succeed.
When You Feel…Insecure and Embarrassed
What are Your Emotions Telling You?
I need confidence and assertiveness: View insecurity and embarrassment as a reminder that you want to confidently and assertively present the best version of yourself. Remember that you know who you really are, and no one else’s thoughts or feelings can change that, so confidently and assertively be yourself.
How Can You Express these Feelings Productively?
Assertively voice and own your insecurities: “That’s right. I’m afraid of the dark.
Assertively respond to teasing and peer pressure:
o “Thanks for sharing...Thanks for thinking of me.”
o “I appreciate your point of view.”
o “I don’t appreciate…”
o “I appreciate that you enjoy…but it’s not for me.”
o “No thanks...Thanks but I’m not interested.”
o “I don’t do things that ruin my athletic career.”
o “My policy is...”
o “I don’t lend people things that I need.”
o “I don’t do other people’s work for them.”
When You Feel…Angry and Frustrated
What are Your Emotions Telling You?
I have a basic need not being met: View anger as a reminder to calmly voice your core needs behind the surface level needs that are not being met and making you angry.
How Can You Express these Feelings Productively?
Actively choose situations that are more likely to get your needs met. Don’t throw a school project on the desk while your mom is obviously busy and get angry that she doesn’t give it her undivided attention. Instead, voice your need: “Mom, let me know when you are done. I really want to show you something important.”
If you are angry that a sibling messed up your room, what need is not being met. Tell your sibling or parent, “I need privacy or I need to know my belongings are safe when I’m not around.” If you feel frustrated with your parents for nagging you to do something, don’t yell or respond disrespectfully. Express your needs at the heart of the frustration, “I know it is important to finish my chores, but it is also very important to me to finish my homework (or spend time with my friends). I want a chance to prove I am responsible and do the chores on my own. Can we agree that I have until a certain time to do the chores before I need a reminder?” If you are angry that you lost a game, your need to feel successful or valuable is not met. Instead of feeling angry, meet this need by doing something else that makes you feel successful.
When You Feel…Anxious, Stressed and Worried
What are Your Emotions Telling You?
I need perspective: View anxiety as a reminder to stay safe by motivating you to do everything possible to avoid the worst-case scenario and achieve the best-case scenario.
How Can You Express these Feelings Productively?
Thank your anxiety for reminding you to stay safe, and reassure your anxiety that you already are safe. Then identify the best-case scenario that fear is leading you towards. Stay motivated to achieve this best-case scenario. Identify the hidden, subconscious fear behind the worst-case scenario fear to take away its power and rationally overrule this false belief. Realize that even if this worse-case scenario happens, it won’t harm you. You will remain safe and who you are.
When You Feel…Disappointed and Sad
What are Your Emotions Telling You?
I need love and optimism: Sadness and disappointment are reminders that we lost something we loved or valued. They help us receive community support and motivate us to work for our goals.
How Can You Express these Feelings Productively?
Identify the core value behind your disappointment. Ask yourself, “What will I be/experience/feel once I succeed?” When you do win the game, get the job, make the money or have the relationship, what will you finally get to be, experience or feel? Do you really want $100 million dollars or do you want the freedom to be with the ones you love and to do the things you love.
When You Feel…Jealous
What are Your Emotions Telling You?
I need motivation to grow and improve: View jealousy as a reminder to become the best version of yourself.
How Can You Express these Feelings Productively?
Identify the core value that is currently not being met. Make a detailed action plan to achieve your goal. Once you embody your core values, it is impossible to feel jealous, and you will feel happy for others. Do you really wish you looked like someone else or do you want the attention, love and support they seem to get because of it? Do you really want someone else’s wealth or status, or do you want more freedom or respect? Choose to be the best version of yourself and never stop planning and working towards your goals.